I envision this blog as a more professional forum than my learning journal. And yet the subject I have been rethinking all week is very personal. Because all of us are affected in some way by the way we frame family and divorce, I have decided to share some of my thoughts.
My experience with family is that it is more declarative than accidental. We speak and our actions align with our speaking, and something is created. We may have been born into a certain family, but that family was born for the most part through another declaration: one of love. Love may change its shape and form, it may even have a certain natural trajectory, but we can honor it throughout its arc.
I am thinking of the many conversations I have had with friends in India about arranged marriage vs. "love matches" as they are called there. I remember asking my friend Mingmar, whom I had known for about 15 years at the time, how he could love a complete stranger who had been brought in to marry him on about 2 weeks' notice. His answer was simple and profound to me: "Why do you love your child? You love your child because she is your child. I love my wife because she is my wife."
Certain people I consider family out of simple declaration, and I know this is common. My brother's ex-wife and one of his ex-girlfriends will always be family. Certain friends have earned that distinction through the blessing of a shared kindred spirit. Note the root of the word "kindred." Some of these ties are certainly stronger than simple blood relation.
How does all this relate to divorce? Divorce is a declaration too. Rarely as simple as "I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee," it redefines a relationship central to family. Having made the declaration that I am divorcing the father of my children, I navigate the rocky coastline of this new part of my personal journey, doing my best to remain creative and avoid wreckage. My brother Sandy and my friend Paul have managed this, and I have faith that I can too. Relationship can be honored even as it is redefined. I declare my intention to do so.
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Hi Bonnie,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your continued pep talks on MY blogger journal - it matters ;>)
The opening sunrise shot in my video is actually from my bedroom deck and I see that view -- with whatever Seattle has to offer me that day -- every single morning. Opening my curtains and greeting Seattle and the Cascade Mountains as my first conscious thought has changed how my days begin. I used to simply jump out of bed and hit the ground running, and the beauty of my just-awakening sunrise view has actually caused me to pause and totally change my morning routine.
YOUR post struck me as wonderfully transparent and gutsy. It gave me a lot to think about since I am unmarried and childless (...not exactly my plan, but here I am!) and I have done a lot of reflecting lately on family, kin, lack thereof, what I want for my own future, and who and what is important to me.
There are some interesting threads on the words "kin" and "kindred" at
http://www.wordreference.com/definition/kindred
I applaud your courage for jumping into new things on this journey to find out who you are and who you can be. Taking care of yourself and being happy is certainly a great foundation for a brilliant next chapter of your life.
As we are finding out in Daniel Pink's book, the future is indeed ripe for "Creatives". What fun! I look forward to watching you unfold as the year ticks along.
Yeah Bonnie I agree. Your post gave me goosebumps because I too see you talking about your divorce online as wonderfully transparent and gutsy. Just like you. What if they were the only two prerequisites to change the world like you are. I love that you wear you heart on your sleeve and I love your transparency. I know some day and probably sooner than later, you have given someone the invisible courage to live the life that they deserve too. You are my heroine. Love infinite.
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